It’s that time again – the G7 summit. It was previously the G8 summit, until the Russians went full Russia and, rather than receiving coordinated international condemnation and effective sanctions, were kicked out of this faintly ridiculous rigmarole as “punishment”.
This year’s is being held in Carbis Bay, Cornwall. Very rarely are things achieved at these summits. The best thing about them is the opportunity to laugh at the photographs, which somehow are even more excruciating than the usual political photo ops.
So, without further ado …
I’ve never related to anyone as much as I do to this little girl. During Boris Johnson’s trip to St Issey primary school, this poor wee lamb was clearly sacrificed to the photo op. She does not look happy about it. On the other hand, there’s a vibe of a sweet movie detailing the journey of a single father and his young charge, fending for themselves after the tragic death of, respectively, their wife and mother. Though Johnson in the role of responsible adult would clearly be a monumental departure.
Jill Biden’s jacket is widely assumed to be a rejoinder to Melania Trump’s one emblazoned with “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?”. It’s debatable how subtle capital diamanté letters are, but the sentiment of love is very much appreciated. Biden is a good egg; I like her a lot. That said, this blazer isn’t the sort of thing one would buy out of choice, but rather looks like an emergency purchase on a foreign holiday when caught out by the weather – the least awful item on the town square market.
I don’t know when it was that Justin Trudeau started morphing into Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, but it’s undeniable. Kind of makes you think that the Johnsons could have just enlisted his help rather than pay for – sorry, get someone else to pay for – their £200,000 Lulu Lytle flat renovation.
Not a still from Reservoir Dogs, but, in fact, the arrival of The Adults: Angela Merkel and her university professor husband, Joachim Sauer. Merkel is having a tough time and is on her way out in Germany, probably looking forward to a break from keeping control of the kindergarten that counts as the people who run the world.
Because Merkel is sensible and mostly competent, she is often unfairly portrayed as dull. Yet she’s always coming out with controlled, withering sass. Remember when Vladimir Putin tried to intimidate her with his dogs? Her response: “I understand why he has to do this – to prove he’s a man. He’s afraid of his own weakness.”
I don’t mean to be rude, but what is this backdrop? Because that looks rather like a painting of logs. Biden seems to be offering Johnson some sage advice here. Possibly: don’t stuff straws under your top lip and pretend to be a walrus over dinner, as I know you’re almost certainly planning to do, because you are a clown.
Some of you may recall that photograph in which Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter seemed Borrower-sized next to the Bidens, because of the unfortunate effects of a wide-angle lens. But this photograph rather suggests that it is Jill who is the size of a Monopoly piece.
This is the most awkward photograph of all time, but there is something endearing about it. Usually, G7 group photographs that involve tables are taken in stately dining halls, with gold chandeliers and snow-white tablecloths, but here we have European commission president Ursula von der Leyen, French president Emmanuel Macron, European Council president Charles Michel, Merkel and Italy’s prime minister, Mario Draghi, crammed around a picnic table. It almost certainly has a wobbly leg and a sticky surface. It is about half the size it needs to be. The authentic British experience.
I know people find protesters annoying, but various groups have absolutely knocked it out of the park in Cornwall. Yes, there are the usual Amazon-bought politician masks and blow-up Boris Johnsons, plus garb inspired by The Handmaid’s Tale – same old – but we’ve also been treated to Extinction Rebellion dressing as GIANT BLACKBIRDS doing some kind of play. Oh, and if you’re wondering if that’s a warship in the background, it is. Because this is the country we’re living in.
Here is a group of Pikachus on the beach in an attempt to get the Japanese government to stop burning coal by 2030. I would genuinely find this quite persuasive.
God bless you, sir. Taking Jill Biden’s message to heart.
I don’t quite understand the logic of putting a cut-down tree stump front and centre at a summit partly dedicated to saving the environment, but bear in mind that Johnson took a flight from London to Cornwall, so the message seems skewed all round.
Finally, thank God for the arrival of Brigitte Macron, the wife of Emmanuel, who is always the most entertaining presence at G7 summits. Yesterday, there was no sign of her; I quickly discovered she was in Paris hanging out with the French football star Kylian Mbappé. As you can see, she does not look pleased to have been dragged away, sporting an expression that can only be described as “this shit again”. Have a great weekend, all!